waiting with countless others
to be taken and filled
or to fall.
The latter, though not ideal,
does have its attraction:
the satisfying sound
as you shatter;
the collective turn of heads;
the chance that when you're swept up
and binned into oblivion,
someone might get cut.
He could handle that,
the momentary relevance.
What shakes him is the fear
his fellows will soon have gone,
whilst he -- the slighted last -- –
remains alone.
On this page, you can:
Start your own free art collection. Sign up here!DownloadSee more of this artist:hermionegreen's profilehermionegreen's gallery
©2009-2010 ~hermionegreen
Author's Comments
This is for writers-workshop's "More Metaphor Please" workshop. As seems to be the theme with my dA submissions, I wrote this far too quickly -- I'm sure it still needs a lot of work, but I made myself submit it anyway because extended metaphor is not something I do a great deal of.
Feedback much appreciated! |
Found in these Groups:
#Writers-WorkshopWhere writers workshop writing! Details
November 8, 2009
713 bytes StatisticsShare |
Note
Twitter
Facebook
Reddit
Digg
LiveJournal
MySpace
Report a Policy Violation
Site Map
Community News2470 deviantWEAR Design Battle 2010!£deviantWEAR
 reports, 23h 12m agoDeviantWEAR's Design Battle is back! Enter your design for a chance to see it printed and worn on t-shirts by deviants all around the world -- and get cash and prizes in the process. Read on for details! 469 REPO MEN: Artiforg Design Contest$Moonbeam13
 reports, 1d 35m agoGet inspired by the human artificial body parts from the upcoming film "Repo Men" in theaters March 19th and create your own "artiforgs!" Check out how to enter and score some great prizes. 63 Watchers feature #17=Bozack
 reports, 8h 19m agoFinally I found the time and effort to do another watchers feature. A lot of new-comers have shown up since the last feature, and I want to thank them all for being interested in my works. I've roamed through all their galleries, and picked the one, two or three best deviations made by each. I hope you will enjoy this collection as much as I enjoyed making it!  53 Daily Literature Deviations for March 15, 2010=DailyLitDeviations
 reports, 20h 43m agoDaily Literature Deviations is a group that is dedicated to bringing literature to the forefront of the deviantArt community. We attempt to accomplish this by daily featuring Literature artists from around the community that deserve the recognition, but are not getting it. Each day we will feature 5 deviations from the Literature categories in a News Article. In order to support the artists that we feature, we ask that you  the news article as well as check out the individual pieces. We understand that each day you may not be able to check out each and every one of the pieces, everyone has their own things going on. We just ask that you make an attempt to help support the growing Literature community.52 Photography Tips #1 - "Knowing your camera"=uae4u
 reports, 5h 23m ago We will start submitting "Nature Photography Tips" news articles once every 2 weeks  Anyone can share with us what they know about the topic. In this blog [link] , we announced the topic, and many members have shared their knowledge and experiences with us  We hope that you benefit from these news articles 50 Grandma's Contest! > Theme: Purple`La-Fi
 reports, 10h 18m agoPurple Contest open for all visual media. |
PollDid you know that @LadyGaga recently tweeted a deviation to her 3 million followers?! |
deviantART Loves You
Deviously serving the art and skin community for 3,508 days.
Only 144 days until our tenth birthday!
|
Deviousness
If you're looking for a deviant to brighten up your day, look no further than `JurgenDoe. Jurgen's infectious enthusiasm and passion for deviantART is evident in all areas. His generous community spirit and positive energy have earned him a reputation within our community as being someone who is a role model to us all. Jurgen's eclectic gallery gives you a glimpse into his vibrant personality, and shows that he's not just good at cooking up a storm in the kitchen, but that he's always prepared to throw some devious spices into his artistic endeavours. So with a dash of hooray and a heaped spoonful of congratulations, we are delighted to present the Deviou... Read More
|
Follow us on Twitter
Become a fan on Facebook
©2010 deviantART. All rights reserved
Comments
"the chance that when you're swept up" seems a bit too long of a line given the length of your other lines. Maybe split it into two lines? I also suggest adding a colon after this: "What shakes him is the secret fear".
Other than that, I rather like your piece (which is actually rather rare of me to say about poems in "open form").
--
William Faulkner: "The past is never dead; it's not even past."
If I didn't comment on something, it means it's good enough that I have nothing to criticise. It may be fantastic, but you can improve it somehow.
"The latter, though not ideal,
does have its attraction:"
Colons can only be used for lists which you do go into ...
"the satisfying sound
as you shatter;
the collective turn of heads;
the chance that when you're swept up
and binned into oblivion,
someone might get cut."
However you use a semicolon and I'm not sure that pairing of semicolons and a colon is correct. Could someone who's more grammatically experienced comment more on this please?
--
My Livejournal
Axiomatic Linguistics and Graphemics
Charldemone I wasn't intending for this to be a wild tangent. My intention wasn't to prove you wrong, I was simpley trying to get clarification because I have never heard of this rule.
--
My Livejournal
Axiomatic Linguistics and Graphemics
--
William Faulkner: "The past is never dead; it's not even past."
If I didn't comment on something, it means it's good enough that I have nothing to criticise. It may be fantastic, but you can improve it somehow.
the chance that when you're swept up
and binned into oblivion,
someone might get cut.
--
My Livejournal
Axiomatic Linguistics and Graphemics
(1) "blah blah blah: a, b, c, when d, e" versus
(2) "blah blah blah: a; b; c; when d, e" versus
(3) "blah blah blah: a, b, c; when d, e".
(1) seems grammatically incorrect to me because if it were a list, there would be an "and" between "c," and "when". In the case that "when d, e" is a separate sentence, the comma after c should be a semicolon.
(2) conveys a list. I think it's pretty self-evident, but perhaps that's just because I'm accustomed to this rule.
(3) conveys two separate clauses. Again, I think this to be fairly self-evident, but perhaps you disagree.
I don't know if this helped or not, and I'm sorry to ~hermionegreen for this wild tangent on her deviation.
--
William Faulkner: "The past is never dead; it's not even past."
If I didn't comment on something, it means it's good enough that I have nothing to criticise. It may be fantastic, but you can improve it somehow.
--
My Livejournal
Axiomatic Linguistics and Graphemics
--
*dALinkSystem | #Writers-Workshop | #project-improve | #LITplease | *Lit-Twitter | =DeviantArtSecret
Hmm, I'll try to explain myself coherently. Imagine that you're telling someone a story about someone else: "She was walking to the shop for some milk when she slipped on the pavement -- you know how slippery concrete gets in the rain -- and scraped her knee terribly". The "you"is a way of involving the reader in the story, of engaging their imagination, because you put them in the place of the person you're telling them about.
Make more sense? Apologies if it's a rambling mess: I am not good at this.
--
Link
--
*dALinkSystem | #Writers-Workshop | #project-improve | #LITplease | *Lit-Twitter | =DeviantArtSecret
Previous Page123Next Page